So you’ve been macking on this girl for hours, buying her drinks, actually being funny for once (the drinks helped), and now it’s getting towards closing time. You need to seal the deal. You changed your sheets, for Christ’s sake. It’s time to pull your patented move. The one that gets ‘em every time:
You look around the bar all mysterious-like, lean in, and say in your best Barry White voice: “You know, I started a religion once.” And with that, she’s yours.
Wait, you can say that, right? Don’t tell me you haven’t started your own religion yet. No? No wonder the only action you see is from your trusty go-to Palmela Handerson. Well we’re gonna have to fix that, now, aren’t we. Son, it’s time you grew up and started your own religion.
Most people think starting your own religion is hard work and takes centuries of tradition. Other people think you need to be some sort of holy person with magical powers. But starting your own religion is easy. Just look at these guys. Here’s how you do it.
Choose your god
The first thing a religion needs is a god. Don’t be picky, you can choose a god from the millions that have been around for a while, or you can just make one up. Go with a badass god like Shiva (opened his third eye once because a stripper-god was doing a dance for him and his eye’s power killed another god), a weird-ass one like Cronus (cut off his dad’s dick, then ate his own children), or a mock-god like the Flying Spaghetti Monster (once was made of spaghetti and flew around…and stuff). Or you can just do like AA does and refer to some mysterious “higher power.”
Bonus points if you meet your god in a vision. Double bonus points if you do it while you’re not on drugs.
Make up a creation story
Some religions say the world is on the back of a giant turtle. Some religions say that two of their gods made sweet, earth shattering love, and the world and everything in it is the result. Other religions say we’re all aliens. What will your religion say about the origin of life, the universe, and everything else?
Here’s a pro tip: lots of religions love them some bodily fluids in their creation myths. So make sure your creation story says that humans came from your god’s jizz, or blood, or spit, or smegma to be extra old-school and legit.
Wait, I’d actually nix the smegma if you want your religion to have any followers (aint nobody got time for smegma).
Decide how you’re going to worship
Every religion needs to worship their god in some way. How ya gonna do it? Sing feel-good songs and stand and sit and kneel like a sissy, or drink the blood of virgin chickens at midnight on the solstice? Remember that scene in Dragnet that terrified you as a kid? If your worship service doesn’t look like that, you’re doing it wrong. Which brings me to my next point:
Get some swag
Just look at these magnificent motherfuckers:
Do some miracles, get some followers
This is probably the only one on this list that might take some practice. You can go about it one of three ways.
One, you can learn some magic tricks. I’m talking really good magic tricks, not just pick-a-card-any-card magic tricks. I’m talking Kevin James, how does he do that without making a deal with the devil magic tricks (no, not that Kevin James…this Kevin James).
Then tell some gullible people you’re a holy man (you should dress like the pictures above, totally), and bam! Followers.
Or you could find some tribe in the middle of the jungle and take your iPhone with you. Snap a couple photos/videos of them, show these stone-agers the results, and bam! You’re a god. They will worship you, just like C3PO, minus the limp wrists.
Or you could learn how to do actual miracles. Give me a call if you do this; I’ve got a lot of water that needs to be turned into booze.
Write a scripture
This isn’t too hard. You could actually just borrow your scriptures from another religion, or, if you’re really lucky, an angel or something will deliver them to you.
Tell you what… next time the mailman comes to the door, drop to your knees and scream “O holy prophet, what hast thou delivered unto me this day?!?” Whatever the mailman gives you will be your scripture.
Congratulations, your religion is the first ever to based on 4% interest rates.
Because, when you really come down to it, starting a religion is all about the dollars. Or the women. Or the men, if that’s what you’re into.
Get killed (optional)
Most great religions have martyrdom as one of the best things you can do for the cause. I say, let’s change some things around. How about let’s make the best thing you can do is make some lemonade? Because that shit’s hard. Getting all those proportions right. Sugar. Lemons. And if you have a tiny little paper cut on your hand, you better believe you’re feeling it. Which is plenty suffering for me.
Yeah, lemonade. Much better than dying.