Yes! You’ve done it. Congratulations on your completion of the third, (spoilers) and probably last Iron Man film.
So how was it? If Iron Man 3 was a horoscope, it would be having a four out of five star day, and the outlook for the month ahead provides infinite potential for monetary development. Shocker
We’re graced with some back-story to start off this Iron Man, where rich and powerful T-Starks is fiddling round with a past scientist hottie, played by Rebecca Hall, named Maya Hansen at a New Years Eve party. Out of nowhere this poorly made up crippled nerd named Aldrich Killian, played by Guy Pearce, confronts them in an elevator and tries to convince Stark’s brick wall of an ego to back funding for his project AIM. Stark blows him off like a highschool jock caught up in an awkward encounter with the guy who writes his term papers for him. Stark convinces him to wait for him on the roof and never shows up, much like my parents did at my High School graduation.
We pick back up in a post-Avengers film state, which if you haven’t seen it, stop reading this, and get a life because that is just fucking unacceptable at this point. Avengers was boss.
Anyway, Iron Man/Stark, played by Robert Downey Jr. (do I really have to tell you nerds that – I think not) is consumed by the fact that there is evil in the world and that he has to protect his ever so lovable and boner crushing wifey pants Pepper Potts, played by Gwenyth Paltrow. In order to do so he spends his nights sleepless, and playing with himself to figure out the next line in advancement on the Iron Man fleet. Then we see his newest toy – individual body segments that fly to him and attach to his body. It’s pretty sweet honestly, but what makes it legit is that he can operate it remotely too.
Back in present day we are also informed of the ongoing terror assaults by a villain known as The Mandarin, played by the super old and uncomfortable to watch Ben Kingsley. Meanwhile modern day Killian, AKA David Beckham’s doppelgänger decides to pay Pepper Potts a visit at work to mind fuck her, literally (you’ll see), and Tony’s lovable huggy bear of a security guard Happy Hogan drops the dime on them to Tony. After following Killian’s body guard out for the night, Huggy Bear discovers some rather shady dealings that ultimately lead to exploding bodies, and fiery-glowing-skinned people in another Mandarin attack that unfortunately hits a little too close to home for Señor Stark.
Happy ends up in the hospital and Stark tells Mandarin on TV that he wants to beat him up, and says basically “my place, here’s the address world, be there or be square.” Thats when all hell breaks loose. Tony goes home to Ms. Potts, and gets a visitor in the form of his old scientist flame Maya. She believes her boss is working for the Mandarin, who coincidently then blows up Tony Stark’s mansion with all three of them in it. Pepper suits up in the Iron Man armor and saves Maya at Tony’s command, then he takes the suit back to destroy two out of three of the attacking helicopters piloted by Security Guard McGlowy Pants from the aforementioned lightbulb people. He gets sucked underwater and Pepper thinks he is dead and the movie ends.
But basically Tony goes into seclusion and forms an overly sarcastic bond with a small child named Harley played by Ty Simpkins, as most men do when their robotic suit JARVIS flies them to Tennesee to avoid death by Mandarin. Basically Tony works with this Carl from Walking Dead-look alike, to figure out The Mandarin and its entanglement with the rest of all the fucked up shit going on in the movie.
I won’t ruin the ending for you, but there are some surprise twists that you can totally see coming. It’s okay though because all the cool shit all happens at the end after that anyway in this huge climactic battle between a trillion luminescent people and about a billion Iron Man suits…(okay it’s probably like 17 on 20)
The one line zingers carry the movie well from action sequence to action sequence so it totally works. I found myself a bit sleepy twice but overall, the film wasn’t terribly disappointing.
I did think to myself, with this new remote technology fleet, why the hell is Tony using these suits to save the world? There are so many other uses for them, and because we love lists here at Dorkjuice.com, here is a few of my ideas for usage of my own fleet of Iron Men.(#accidentalgaypornfilmtitles?)
1. Those palm circle things, seem to get pretty hot/explodey. Put that shit to good use, you could toast the PERFECT grilled cheese I bet.
2. Someone really needs to fly into their mansions and slap the shit out of all the Kardashians. Anyone gonna stop An Iron Man suit? Didn’t think so.
3. Become the WWE champion. Oh I’m sorry, who is going to stop me again? The Rock? Oh, well now he’s The Sand…Next contender?
4. Start a band and be the frontman. Flying and shooting shit out of body orifices? Taylor Swift could wear the suit and save her pathetic career not singing a note, which we all wish she would do anyway…
5. Go back to your High School reunion. Oh? You didn’t become an all time pro quarterback? You got Tammy Mason pregnant freshman year of college and now you work at our Highschool? Oh this? Yeah, I’m just fucking Iron Man, NBD. Oh them? Yes, these are my girlfriends Selena Gomez, Michelle Williams, and Rachel Bilson.
6. Spend a night on the town. Nothing screams badass like a few too many G&T’s and not having to worry about a bar fight or walking into traffic ever again. Can’t drive? “JARVIS get my drunk ass home. Autopilot this shit and swing by a Sonic on the way. I want a Pineapple Milkshake and some tater tots. Daddy is Hangry.”
7. Go on the Real World. Seriously, that show needs a face lift anyway, but think of the ratings boost. They’d be all like, “Bunk is kind of a dick, he keeps making grilled cheeses all the time with his hands and there are Sonic wrappers all over the house.” Then I could just be like, “I’m fucking Iron Man.” (Side note: why haven’t I gotten on the Real World yet MTV? I’m funny, come on, I spent years on those submission tapes. #getbunkonrealworld)
8.Start the best Instagram account ever… Photos looking like this:
9. Start the next big work out craze. People bought into P90x, so fuck you Tony Horton, I’m showing up you an Jillian Michaels both, watch me capitalize off my iron hard abs and America’s stupidity. Shit, ill wear the war machine suit and half of the country will buy it because we are ‘Muricah strong.
10. Spend my evenings reading DorkJuice.com. I mean really guys, if Iron Man does it, so should you.
Long story short, the flick was pretty damn good so go see it.